If you’ve been following along, SOMEBODY hates a cliche. That same somebody, is one.
Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen.
Maggie is having a mid-life crisis.
As we left our heroine, she was apologizing to the mother of a grown man for the accuracy of her remaining vision-the simple ability to discern an attractive adult male from a troll in the visual field. Having forgotten almost entirely that the man in question is 10 months older than someone she’s been shooing away from her daughter for a year. She joined her 15 year-olds watching interviews on You Tube.*
Finally registering the distant sound of tires screeching and horns blaring.
HEY MAGGIE. IT’S GONE. THERE IS NO GOING BACK. Step back and look, Darling. No one will ever sing to you again about your flipping hair. You worry about being that mom who is acting like her teen. This is her. She thought she’d take a break in the fun to raise some kids and then go back to charging around being spontaneous and irresistible. Now her kids are approaching that time in their lives, she’s thinking she’ll just dust off her dance moves and join the fun.
Then she takes a new picture.
And. Sees. Her…. Jowls.
No, that wasn’t her, that was me.
Let’s tally up the score.
1) Face it. You aren’t getting around like you used to.
2) You are old enough to be the ‘cool aunt’ for people who own their own homes.
3) You are appalled by little kids singing, “we-broke-up-but-Imma-stalk-you-or-you-stalk-me-K?” songs.
4) You keep thinking you’ll get back down to the weight you were in college. No, Girl. You need that last ten pounds to fill in the loose skin.
5) Barring accident or injury, you are halfway to death.
6) Go quietly.
Back in my time, we had a saying,…
ACCIDENTAL MANIFESTO FOR THE SECOND ACT
Grow up. Stop thinking magic works like that. Magic happens when the callouses on your work-hardened hands click together and make sparks.
You can’t be the cool grandma, when the time comes, if the baby gets scratched on your navel ring**.
Nothing is as sexy as dignity.
By the time you were your daughters’ age, you were managing your life.
Stop complaining about them expecting to be waited on, if you won’t let them do the job.
All your “reasons” are legit. If you don’t move on, they become “excuses”.
Do NOT pass that on to your kids.
Quit being vain. Take care of your appearance.
If you won’t exercise because you’re embarrassed, the arthritis will come for you.
If you won’t take care of your skin and hair because of money or time or “those products don’t really work”,
the mirror will not pull any punches. Don’t complain about the lighting.
Get over your boobs. No one cares.
There’s no promise you’ll get to keep them. Appreciate them.
Keep them under control, but don’t apologize.
This second act, unlike the first, which was largely written by others, must be entered on purpose.
Head up, eyes open. Because you learned in the first act what you can trip over.
This is when the reviews are written.
* If you are dancing in the 100th row, with a phone you just fished out of Chelsea’s Sprite, the video sucks; be ashamed to upload it.
**This is not to say I’ve ruled out the navel ring, but there will be no ink and a granny must categorically never sport a bare midriff.
***photos have been removed because I can’t