In previous posts, I’ve alluded to my opposition to using medicine to numb an unspecified pain to the neutralization of pleasure.
Week before last I gave up. In a haze of pain, a clouded mind, I got the appointment. By the time the appointment came around, I delivered myself bawling to the doc. She shares my faith and respects my feelings about drugs.
Mid-week they called me with results and asked it I just wanted to go ahead and start the anti-depressants.
I said, give me until the follow-up appointment next week to decide.
Thursday, I read this post by Diana. I asked a question. Got a couple of answers.
Yesterday, I felt better than I have in years. I’ve slept all night every night since Wednesday last week. My focus is 100% better. I have a high powered anti-inflammatory and am not yet pain free. Three visits into PT (One of the girls has a crush on the PT’s intern. suh-pri-ize.).
I’m ready to stop being smarter than the meds, the doctors, science and God. I wrote all that the other day about coffee, sugar and exercise, and the deal is– part of the reason I feel bad is that when things are falling apart I add to the plates I want to keep spinning.
The achilles heel of the good girl.
It’s been nearly a quarter century since I took the medicine. Science has had time to work on it. Science, like it or not, produces things that God uses to care for his kingdom.
Friday morning,looking at logistics for next week, I realize it’s not going to happen without moving things around. So I call and explain my situation and ask if I can have my follow-up visit TO-day. They said, yes.
I determined to ask all my questions. And go with what the doc said.
Bend my neck. Humble myself.
The doctor said that based on the results so far, I don’t need them at this time.
(She said she couldn’t believe the difference between the person she saw in office 9 days ago.)
It seems it’s never the insomnia or fear or stressful events.
Maybe it’s only ever opening my hand.
Letting go of what I’m holding onto that I think is keeping me safe.
Handrails, steering wheels, reins, joysticks. The control.
I used to call it letting go. Now, I call it surrender.