It Turned Out Not to Matter Whether or Not I Cursed

My words make no difference.

What I write only goes out to a handful of awesome Texans and about 50 lurkers.  On a huge day.  Mostly, just Carrie and Jennifer.  Who are, quite frankly, enough.  But still, I’ve been doing this for some time.

What I say…  Well, what I say goes a couple of ways.  Either people look at me slack jawed and say nothing.  Or they respond whole-heartedly in the spirit in which it was intended.

I have no control over which way it’s going to go.  With my friends, it usually hits the mark.  With people I don’t know well, there is a lot of blank staring.  At first, I thought it was just with people who were really cool and out of my league (yeah, I’m 46, not 14), but on second thought, realized was happening even with people whose opinion I didn’t care about.  Making this a bigger problem.

My words are too many.

They are too all over the place like that kid in Family Circus.

They are too strong.

They are too weak.

My words are too full of faith in the possibility that God will just do something completely miraculous.  That it won’t be a people sized task.  It will be something so fracking off the charts that people will look at you sideways and slack-jawed and wander away, because they refuse to believe you are telling the truth.

Sometimes my words are curse words, because let’s be honest.  Blue as your nose may be, there are times when your brain let’s one fly.  Jesus knows.  You may fool me, but He’s on to you.  (One time the white tiger at the zoo, threw herself at the chain link, less than five feet between us and her.  I re-appeared on the ground 30 feet away, the “s” word on my lips.  The girls scolded me.  I said, “Look, I never had a tiger attack me before, and it turns out, that’s the word you say.”)

My words are too honest.  Too real.

Because we have only a moment.

No time to waste sipping dishonest tea with my pinky sticking out.

It probably comes off uncultured.  That’s legit.  I’ve been alone for the vast majority of my adult life.  Even so, not protected from disaster.

My words…disjointed (because I have the whole conversation in my head), overly enthusiastic, yet jaded and cynical.  With a twist of innuendo.

Not trying to make it okay, at all.  Just saying.  The words aren’t working anymore, and I’m starting to fantasize about drawing pictures.  They’re stored up and someone threw away the key.  I’m talking less.

Crying more.  Praying with my tears, my work, my eyes, my heart, and even my sleep*.

Words were all I had left.  And now, I’m relinquishing them, too.

 

 

*”Daddy, I don’t know what to do or how to do it.  I am going to trust you to work while I give up and rest on You.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comments

  1. Well, I’m flattered you mentioned me. Flattered beyond words. Thank you.

    I’ve learned the truth is the truth is the truth. No matter how it comes out. And sometimes it hurts. And sometimes curse words are necessary to prove the fire behind the hurt or the passion.

    Sometimes it’s best to say too much than not enough. At least then it’s out there and can be sorted through. Even if THEN, you don’t want to. You have to.

    There’s nothing worse than saying, “I wish I would’ve just said it.”

    You’re a smart girl. A brave girl. A blessed girl.

  2. Don’t stop. Your words show me that being human is “normal”. The unmasked vulnerability is a safe haven for me.

  3. Always wishing for more Maggie words. We don’t live communally therefore I miss out. I can appreciate this beautiful surrender but wonder if it is a belief in the lie that you do not matter. You do. I love you.

  4. I guess I am one of the lurkers. I don’t read your words nearly often enough but when I do I am blessed. Don’t stop. Your words move me and make me laugh. The tiger story made me laugh so hard I snorted. I cuss, too sometimes. Maybe a lot. They just fly into my head and sometimes right out my mouth. Jesus knows and loves me anyway. Sometimes my fellow believers aren’t as forgiving. But sometimes they are. I love your words. Please keep sharing them

  5. I had no idea you had a blog. This post reminded me of how I belted out a curse word in the middle of playing a game at Kathy Marlow’s surprise birthday party due to my frustration…not my finest moment…

  6. Sometimes all He’s waiting for is for you to give up.

I love it when you sass me. Please leave a comment.

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