For the last 33 months, with a break of 5 months in the middle, my husband has been on “reduced salary.” If you want to discuss hand to mouth living, I can. Things would have gone substantially better over the long haul if I had been astute enough to not believe reports that it was just for one month, just until November. Febuary. April. When I was believing reports of temporary, I charged some stuff. I have had a lot of shame over that. I would have done differently, if I had realized the scope of what was going on.
I have served my family foods from my freezer whose age I knew to be older than 3 years. I have gone literally months without spending $100 in groceries. I used what was in the cabinet; prayed over what was left in the freezer and scavenged and scrounged (still using leftover condiments from last years Track Team Picnic).
The kids were scholarshipped for Track. Our adoption was a
freaking miracle. We paid our last car payment the month before I got home with Small Fry. I got a little job cleaning. People created barter situations. I had to humble myself to apply to the church benevolent fund.
I questioned God a lot.
“What are You doing?”
“You said…” to move here
“I know I can’t handle anymore.” the girls got hurt
“Now, I can’t handle one more thing.” traveling to get your child is supposed to be fun
“Nothing else. Please.” the surgery is long past due
“I have no strength left. I will not survive.” where will the next blow come from
“I’m done.” it’s never been just about the money; it was also the discouragement
And the rivers flow.
When we would talk about just needing to survive, there was always a good Christian brother or sister there to say, “Riches can be just as much of a trial.” I wasn’t asking for riches. I wanted to put a ham hock in the beans.
We aren’t about to be rich. We are about to have enough. It makes me realize, I have “gotten by” for so long, I have forgotten how to plan ahead. I need to hone my skills.
To glorify the One Who Sees.