One Good Day Out of Every Thirty

There’s nothing wrong.

It’s tendonitis, arthritis, neuralgia, depression, anemia, hypochondria. PMS.

Take your vitamins, your ibuprofen, your time.

The first time someone said the word to me, they followed with, “Christian women are particularly likely to develop this because they think they have to act like they’ve got it all together. They don’t deal with their stress.”

I heard, “It’s all in your head.”

18 years ago.

Now, having been the reason for our wheel spinning for nearly 20 years, I’m torn between glad to see the face of the enemy I’ve shadow boxed all this time  and wrecked because the girls are nearly grown and so many opportunities have slipped through our fingers.

I mean seriously, how can someone possibly screw up the job of home maker?  What fun to be able to take your kids to the park or have friends over for play dates.  Careful planning can yield as much as another income would, because there’s no “cost of working” for the second spouse.

Please. I am functioning at capacity when I dress in the morning.

About one day a month, give or take, and not on any predictable basis;  I wake feeling almost like what I think maybe the rest of the world probably expects to feel like regularly.

Hand in hand with the doctor who said I didn’t deal with my stress and the one who just wanted me to take a drug no matter what it was for and get out of his hair– I thought I was weak, sinful, lazy, less than others.  I’m ashamed of how selfish I am because I don’t create a nicer life for my family…

I’VE WASTED ALL THIS TIME.

A couple of weeks ago, the pain was after me again.  I called the nurse.  She reminded me I’m supposed to be taking supplemental vitamin D and a major sign of deficiency is pain.  She was right, but in addition to that, I got a little focus and perspective. I realized that due to my denial, my inability or refusal to stand up to a physician and say, “I don’t deal with my stress because after I clear the kitchen counter tops, there’s nothing left for dealing with stress,”–I’ve handed those I claim to love the short end of a dirty stick.

I’ve worshipped at the altar of me– I’m fine, I should just work harder, I know better than this, I’m just a darn rebel and won’t do what I know Jesus wants me to.  Me, me,me,me,me…  That’s sin.  What about them?  Their life.  Their moments. Their potential.  Their opportunities slipping away while I refuse.

It was a split second’s insight and as quickly as it appeared, it was gone.

And now.  I need to make sure I don’t let the reason become an excuse.

Yesterday, the doctor said,”I have no doubt you have Fibromyalgia.”

No doubt.

At least now, we can do something about it.

The rest we can sort out as we go.

The only real problem is that even when I look at a symptom list and say, “Yeah.  That’s me.”

I can still see that though it’s practically everything; to everyone else, it looks a lot like nothing.

 

Comments

  1. jwilliams057 says:

    Oh honey, I wish I could give you hug. I hate when an answer just leads to more questions/problems. Remember, taking care of you IS taking care of them. I know that is a hard pill to swallow for some of us mommas.

  2. Hi Maggie, it’s good that you’ve got an answer but I’m sorry for the years you’ve suffered when people (Doctors) haven’t listned and thought it was all in your head. I never realised you were going through all this. As a nurse it is not the first time I have heard of someone’s difficulties getting people to listen and believe what they are going through. I am lucky my experience of being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis was very different and all the time I had problems no one doubted what I was saying. If they had I don’t know how I would of felt, probably like I was going mad. It would of been awful. Sending you a big hug oh and 2 more things your blog is looking lovely, I love the new design and I have nominated you for another blog award! It’s on my recent post.

    Hugs

    Kate

  3. I know exactly how this feels! I will keep you in my prayers and know that you can email me at any time. Knowing is the first step, the next is a slow process. It’s not the end, but there are days you may feel like it is. God is there and so are your friends and family. No one expects you to do it all, except maybe you. It’s hard to change that part of your thinking most. I’ve been there…I know. You can find the way to live again, it’s just not always an easy way to find, but I am sure that it can be done…especially with God’s help. Slow going is still progress. 🙂 Stay positive, stay in prayer, and know that my email is always open! You have a prayer warrior in me. That is a promise. 🙂

  4. So glad you found a name for your “thing”. Things unnamed become ugly, hairy and grow sharp teeth that bite at our ankles. Forward can happen when you know what you’re fighting. Fighting for you is fighting for them. And somedays if all you have is clean countertops and everything else looks dusty – well hats off to you for cleaning those countertops. Sometimes leaving counters dirty in exchange for a laugh on the couch, or a nap, is OK too. I think we teach and love our children (and family’s well) when we show them messy and trying hard and keeping on – not by being perfection. I’m a phone call and email away if you ever need an ear.

  5. That is such a long time to suffer without a proper diagnosis! Fibromyalgia is definitely not a lot of nothing. Please be kind to yourself.

  6. I’m glad you have an answer and hope you can get the help you need. xo

  7. How incredibly frustrating to have suffered for so long not knowing. I am so sorry that this has been a long and painful road. I wanted to hug you when you said that about the doctors wanting to get you out of their hair. Motherhood is hard enough when we don’t battle something threatening to keep us down. Will keep you in my prayers.

    Thanks so much for visiting over at my site!

  8. Did you feel that?

    That big old hug?

    You’re in my prayers, Maggie. For realz.

  9. Naming something often offers some relief. Like it has been fenced in somehow. It sounds like you have felt so alienated by your pain. You are reaching out here. It’s beautiful, what you are doing. I hope it is the beginning of some healing.

  10. My mother in law was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia about 5 years ago. She changed her lifestyle, lives on a raw/vegan diet and takes no medication other than vitamins. I’m not sure if this information is helpful to you or not but she is living a good life and she is happy so there is hope.

    There is always hope.

I love it when you sass me. Please leave a comment.

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