It’s nearly Valentine’s Day. The day of….romance.
We all understand that Valentine’s Day isn’t reeeeeally for Mom’s to give cards to their children. They have birthdays. It isn’t reeeeeally for husbands to give cards to their wives, because they would have to buy it themselves have anniversaries. So by extension…
Valentine’s Day is for people who are or would like to be Sweethearts.
(This in no way lets the husband off the hook for bringing the Valentine’s Day Noise. However. That is a topic for another day.)
“A young man’s thoughts turn to love.”
Too bad for him.
AN ACCIDENTAL GUIDE FOR YOUNG MEN WHO THINK THEY’RE GONNA DATE MY DAUGHTER
1) She’s 14. You have a lot of time to think this over and decide if I, Their dad, They, She is worth the trouble. Back. Up. Off.
2) If you can’t tell them apart, you don’t know who you are attracted to. If you can’t declare a name. you are not ready to date my daughter. But again, you have plenty of time to figure out who is who.
3)Introduce yourself to their daddy. If you are really even just their friend, you should be polite. One man failed to do this, and I am still hearing about it. It is key that you not make more work for me in the husband/father management department. I can sabotage you… something about a rash…
4) You have a couple of years to practice Facebook awareness. Clean up that page and have fewer pictures of yourself smelling the hair of girls in expensive gowns. Who are you posting for? Clearly, not your mother. A girl doesn’t want to be just a face in the crowd. (see rule 2)
Loathe as parents are to admit it, we WILL be stalking you on Facebook. They should call it Characterbook. Your timeline shows the real you like you are standing naked in the room. Man up. Quit giggling and listen. We can tell the main thing in your life by the way you run your page.
5) Think forward. Be nice to her little bro. By the time she can date, Little Dude will be able to spy on you, sabotage you, let the air out of your tires or spill hot coffee on your crotch. She doesn’t think a lot of him; if she is telling you to be nice, you best do it. Make friends with him first. It will melt her stony heart.
6) It’s only fair to warn you, we aren’t “date as many people as you can possibly get to sign your dance card” people. We are “don’t go out with anyone who is not a reasonable choice for a mate; whether it works out or not” people. If you are planning to keep your options open, there are a lot of girls out there whose parents only require that you come to the door to pick her up. Break their hearts. We haven’t got time for the pain.
7) Grass grows everywhere. This man works so hard, he doesn’t need to be climbing on roofs and cleaning gutters. There is no reason that when you finish at your house, you can’t amble by here. Mickey’s hands need never touch the “self-propel” handle.
Only if you are interested.
8) There is at least one man ahead of you. When he sees me he says, “Hello, How are you doing today?” He treats me like a friend of his mom’s, which I am. I am a friend of your mom’s, too. I am a friend of your mom’s who has a lot of stuff that needs carrying to the car.
I am SO not kidding.
9) You would do well to study up on Architecture and take a golf lesson. You are going to have to visit with the dad. He knows what goes through your mind. Bad for you. He was 17 once. You have your work cut out. You will probably watch a lot of movies and sports with him before you EVER get to be alone with his daughter.
10) Her sister. She will always come first. If she doesn’t like you, you are toast. Burned toast. Cut, burnt toast.
11) We are old school. You may assume that the TELEPHONE is working at our house. You are invited to treat this human being like a lady and have an actual spoken conversation with her. If you don’t care to do that, you don’t care enough. Text is for telling husbands to bring home milk and wives that you cannot tell time will be late. You may even feel free to call her dad on the phone and ask him if you can bring a pizzas over and watch the movies with him on Friday.
SO THAT ONE DAY WHEN THEY ARE ACTUALLY OLD ENOUGH TO DATE, YOU WILL BE WAY AHEAD OF THE PACK OF DOGS
12) This is my treasure. Right up behind Jesus. If she isn’t the same for you, keep searching. If she is worth it, a short set of rules is a small price to pay. Jacob worked 14 years for the woman he loved… And as long as she lives under our roof, we are going to be helping her discern the Best from the Good Enough.
Keep your mouth shut and your eyes and heart open. Know all about her when you walk up to her the first time. (Not in a crazy stalker-y way…in a good time management way) And there is plenty of time.
Happy Valentine’s Day.