Swimsuit Shopping-Induced Health Issues:What You Need to Know

Last week, I posted a request on facebook for a task swap for shopping swimsuits for my about-to-be-15-year-old daughters.  My idea was that if I took your colonoscopy, you’d take the girls and shopping for the right suit.

No one responded.

I faced the quest alone.

In the first store, Type A consults a price tag and declares, “I can’t find anything I like here.”

We stopped off for a burger.

Then Sam’s.

Target. The boy needs eye patches.

A friend is in Target shopping for suits, as I wished I had been doing for the last several hours.

Her daughter is 16 and attends a private Christian school.  Recently, there was a pool party at which only one girl had been wearing anything but a string bikini and another gal was inadequately covered up top.  The 16 year-old is the oldest of 4 children, the next two in line being girls and the grandmother has a pool.

I don’t envy my friend this task.

What exactly is the task?  I quote: “We aren’t doing what every one else is doing,” and “Trying to walk the fine line between ‘skank*…


Nothing personal, Kate, the swimsuit issue is for mensroom "reading", not shopping.


and ‘mom-suit’**…


If this makes you laugh, you aren't yet 37 years old. It's not that funny.

Our standard for the girls up to this point has been the one piece.  All the Target one-piece suits were in larger sizes and had heavy-duty cups in them.  The message is clear, “One-piece is for old women.”

This conversation is where we also found out that the tankini has fallen out of favor.


Next, we go to Sears to the Land’s End department.

Initially, there was grumbling.  This is all for ‘moms’.  Then Type A found a top and bottoms.  Diva M looked over what she found picked a different bottom and the same top in a different color.  Tried them on.

That was it.

~record scratching~

The price.

Suddenly I couldn’t breathe.  My throat was closing.

What. The. What?

They held them for us so the girls could help me find some oxygen and maybe get a little something to take the edge off I could talk to Mickey about this kind of expenditure.

I talked about beauty and “investment dressing”.  He agreed that I could do what I wanted.  We shopped Dillard’s and returned to look at an Old Navy suit, Type A had seen earlier in the season.  We talked about if you get the one at ON, then we can buy you a lot of other clothes with the difference.

The ON suit was a one-piece and it was ohmyholyJesushelpme SPECTACULAR.

Fortunately, the world will never know.  They picked ‘pretty’ and ‘two-piece’ over “Just Freaking Amazing.” (Type A was willing to buy this $20 suit due to the price alone.  Not because she wanted it but because she is on board with what has been going on the last few years and was going to take one for the family. Again.)

I breathed into the paper bag and wrote the check.  We’ll see what is in style after these bold young women unveil these suits.  And the thing that is assuring my restful sleep every night?…

No boy will ever see them in that one piece.

It’s a win-win.

And yes, Dumb Mom, bunching hides a lot.


*photo credit: Sports Illustrated (duh)

**photo credit: vanity fair




  1. That first suit leaves nothing to the imagination but the color of her nipples. (shake my head)

    And I’m sad to say that the second photo did not make me laugh. Snicker a little? Yes. Laugh? Not really.

    • I know. And the imagination is where beauty lives.

      Just the shaving involved in getting me in a suit is like slaughtering Cousin It. Once it’s done, you probably couldn’t tell the difference between he and I from behind except for the height.

  2. Thank you, Kate Upton. It’s because of women like you I can work my butt off to lose 35 pounds, finally get into single digit jeans and yet now still feel fat.

    I don’t care if I DID look like her. There is no way I’d wear that swimsuit. Heck, it’s NOT a swimsuit. It’s just some flappy material the wind hasn’t taken yet.

    I don’t envy you. At all. I can’t imagine how picky young girls are in this area. I know I am…but not for the same reasons. They have stuff to show off…and well, I have stuff to hide.

    • I was so blessed. They heard the other little girl say something to her mom that if they said it to me it would mean they didn’t get a suit at all this year. I didn’t hear what it was, but the girls were appalled. The suits are modest and the girls know they can expect to wear them for years.

  3. I hate clothes shopping at the best of times… I can’t even imagine what it’s like trying to shop for someone else!!

  4. I know what you mean with the bikinis. We actually had a really weird thing happen over here in Europe when they started selling padded bikinis for 6 year olds. Yes. 6. As in – I am going to sexualise my little prepubescent girl and make her into a mini skank…There was outrage, and they were pulled from the shelves. My issue is that I am pregnant and I don’t really feel that comfortable in a bikini but don’t want to put on a granny suit either… Not sure what to do…. It’s gonna be a loooong summer.

  5. I’m not ready to have to take my girls shopping for swimsuits. Can’t they just wear one piece tutu bathing suits forever?

I love it when you sass me. Please leave a comment.

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